Sorry I threw up on you Priest.

It was all a blur at Alexis Park after vomiting on Priest. DefCon 12 was one of my earlier DefCon appearances and I thought it could be my last. I check in at the registration desk that Saturday morning, grabbed my human badge, and off I went to a talk or two. My friend Jon wasn't at the Alexis Park yet, so I wander around the AP.

DefCon on a Saturday at Alexis Park was like Aaron Spelling converting a cheap Las Vegas resort for a Fantasy Island television special mixed with Hacker Debauchery Hunter S. Thompson would produce to remake Pinocchio's Pleasure Island for prime time network television to a stunned audience. I'm walking through the hallways of kids with their laptops before I walk to my first viewing of the Wall of Sheep. The screen status of teams capturing the flag against each other to the throbbing ambient trance music that sounded like it hasn't changed since I last left Circus in Los Angeles weeks before DefCon. It was a calming atmosphere that I fell comfortably into a trap to.

At the Poolside patio was a group of folks I kinda remembered from ToorCon the year before with my friend Jon Erickson. Geoff from eEye security was offering me a toast from the table of Costco-sized Alcohol. I'm not going to deny a drink even if it's a hundred degrees outside. I take a drink. It took me a while (or it may be the drink) to see Marc Maffiret and Barnaby Jack on the table with more eEye guys drinking in the afternoon.

I lost track of time, conversations, and everything else after several screwdrivers, vodka infusions, and whatever drinks I had with Barnes because I can't remember a Goddamed thing that day.

I wake up. My eyes are all a blur. I look up to see a balding Friar-looking monk wearing a Hawaiian t-shirt in front of me, shaking my shoulders. I can't comprehend what he's asking me. All I hear is: rabble, rabble, rabble, what's your name? I'm sure he's asked me my name probably ten times that day. Thats when I vomited on the poor monk on a Hawaiian t-shirt. It took me several weeks to realize: I threw up on Priest? My bad.

I black out again and rest to see several faces I will remember after DC12. Skroo was asking me if I needed a glass of water. In my dehydrated state of mind, I probably took a swig of water. I see a crowd of people outside of me by the pool. I probably blacked out after that. Flea was asking me if I needed CPR. I think. I probably blacked out at that point.

I wake up again to see a gentleman in a goatee and glasses ask me if I need an ambulance. This is the first time I've ever met Noid, and I find it funny I met him and the rest of the DefCon goons this way. I'm not sure what happened and I black out a bit more. I gained some sense of consciousness on the stretcher to a cheering crowd of hackers and onlookers by the Pool. I hear that applause and for some strange premonition, I give my thumbs up to the crowd. I guess I was telling everyone I'll be fine that day. 

I wasn't that fine for the next six or seven hours at the Desert Inn Hospital. I wake up and I see IV tubes and wires attached to me. "The Fuck Happened?" I said to myself. I open the hospital curtains to see three nurses playing cards on the table with grins on their faces. "Good Morning" said the middle-aged nurse, "You must have had one hell of a party. I hope it wasn't your birthday today because the party's still going on." The other two nurses laugh at her joke as I didn't find it that funny. I'm squinting my eyes at her like I kinda wanted to smack her. In my condition at the hospital bed, I'm still woozy and I see an another young human with a DefCon badge. That guy Tenlow becomes one of my drinking buddies later at Hacker Drinkup in Santa Monica and other Cons. That night at the Desert Inn Hospital, we're still recovering. Well, I was. Tenlow looked like he was out when I woke up.

The middle-aged nurse asked me two questions as I recoverer consciousness with a bad hangover. "Ok, I was going to ask you these two things and I thought it's a birthday party until we had two more of you kids with these neon colored badges. First, Do you need water? Second, What's DefCon?"

Of course I wanted water. With a nod of my head, she gave me a water bottle from the mini-fridge at the ER. The second question was hard to answer in layman's terms at the time, but I couldn't resist. "DefCon's not a birthday party to begin with. Can I smoke here?"

The nurse had rules to enforce and defiantly tells me I can't smoke in the Hospital. Not sure what I was thinking at the time, but I could confuse the Emergency Room with one of those DefCon Black and White ballrooms the night before. She sits down on the table and pulls out a chair for me for me to sit down. While I'm sitting down, she asks me "So tell me. What's DefCon?"

"DefCon's a security conference. It's um…" I'm shaking my head a bit to clear my mind, "It's a security conference."

The Nurse's questions become more aggressive and aggravating at my attempt of vagueness to her question. "What kind of security? Like Casino Security? Dennys Security? Rent-a-cop?"

I take a deep breath and a swig of water to make some answers clear to her. "It's a conference gathering computer scientists and hackers every year."

Her eyes open wide. Stunned. Perhaps a bit flummoxed about the idea, but she's still somewhat unclear about the concept of DefCon. "What kind of computer scientists work with hackers? I mean, I'm like 'are you going to read my email?' everyday."

"No we don't read your emails everyday." It's my only reply to calm her down a bit.

"Ok, so will I be safe from." She pauses for a moment to figure it out, "Will I be safe from hackers if I install Norton Antivirus?"

I didn't want to complicate my answer from that question, but I don't want to give her some delusional sense of hope either. I had to pause for a sec to find something to say, and then I found my answer from the series of six sigma programs as running gags each black belts say in times of crises while jerking my head sideways, "Norton Antivirus? It depends."

"Depends on what?"

"It Depends on how you browse the web. Like do you go on myspace or friendster?"

"No."

"Do you watch Porn?"

The Nurse slumps her shoulders with a whimpering sigh like I asked that question randomly to take her out for dinner tomorrow night. "No, I dunno if my husband watches porn. But all I know is my computer is slow as molasses." She gets sensitive about the question, but not defensive enough for my drunk ass to pick up anything else. "Why would you ask me if I watch Porn?"

"Most porn websites install funny things on people's computers when they watch porn videos on their computers." I'm giving these dry answers to a nurse in 2005 when people felt carefree to browse anything until they notice popups on their internet explorer browsers.

The nurse seems content with my answer. "I see. Well we have two more of you hackers or whatever you kids came out of in this room. That must have been one hell of a conference."

My recovering evil grin while glaring at her followed by my calming chuckle assured her that night. "It's a night to remember."

The middle-aged nurse was dressed in her conservative, frumpy, baggy uniform, yet looked somewhat attractive to ponder many questions about her past. She was short haired and blonde with the average build to disappoint anyone to think their nurse was from the Blink 182, enema of the state, album cover. She was a professional. She wanted conversations with other patients who had their nights in vegas to see if they were ruined or blessed. I think she thought my night from DefCon to the Hospital was a blessed one.

The Nurse asks me if I needed a cab to my hotel room. I obliged to agree. I gave her my health insurance and credit card to cover the co-pay and I'm off the ER to the lobby waiting for my cab. 

A true DefCon veteran would go straight to DefCon after my ordeal. I wasn't a veteran and opted to order a drive-thru meal in the cab instead before I go back to my hotel room.

The next day, I show up in the afternoon and everyone's stunned to see me alive. I'd be stunned myself too.

The funny thing is, It took four DefCons, three ToorCons and a few LayerOne Cons to recap what the hell happened to me that day. A span of 4 years to figure out the details of my Saturday at DefCon. It's like i'm Guy Pearce from Memento recalling the things that happened to me with polaroids displayed on a timeframe of my life. In this light comparison of analogies, Flea was the guy displaying the timeframe of my moments of fame and drunken grandeur. Noid was the guy who helped recover my consciousness recapping additions of the story at ToorCon months after. Barnaby Jack returns to meet me at ToorCon 7 explaining there was more chaos after I was carried off to the hospital. The eEye guys were pushing DefCon attendees with Laptops to the pool. They may have gotten Tenlow smashed by the poolside. At the LA2600 meeting weeks after DefCon 12, I meet up with M (from NSL) who unknowingly took care of me to see if I needed help that day. Sitting next to me was the poor friar I threw up on. I had no idea Priest was the head Goon at the time. 

It was anarchy with a smile. The infamy I didn't expect, but I'd like to thank you all for keeping me alive.